


Stuck on Pause

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: M/M, The Mighty Boosh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 19:24:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10815186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: Noel and Julian very nearly get to have some conversations.





	Stuck on Pause

Julian followed Noel into his bedroom. That was a first. Julian tended to hang around in the living room, looking uncomfortable and making awkward small talk with Noel's housemates. They'd done maybe six gigs together. It was going brilliantly, or so Noel told everyone. Admittedly the crowds had seemed a little unsure, but they'd come around. Noel thought the show was genius. Genius distilled into pure comedy. Or, at least it would be. Give them a couple of weeks.

This particular gig had gone better than most. The crowd were laughing, and the better atmosphere meant they’d been more confident: making up jokes on the spot. It was different from other nights, they'd really clicked; sparks flying across the stage as they bantered back and forth. Noel had never felt anything like it. It was better than sex, better than alcohol, better than getting high. Mostly. Getting drunk or high with Julian was pretty good too, actually.

Julian was standing just inside the door looking a little lost. Noel had automatically turned his CD player on: some quality early Zeppelin to fuel the fire he still felt coursing through his veins. He grinned at Julian, hoping he felt it too.

“Come on in,” he laughed, motioning Julian further into the room.

It was as he lent passed him to close the door that he realised something was different. Julian was tense, like a coiled spring. Noel paused, his arm still outstretched. He caught Julian’s gaze and his breath hitched as his heart begin to pound. Julian was staring at him, seeming like a deer trapped in the headlights. Noel's headlights in this case.

Then they were kissing. Julian's hands were everywhere, in his hair, pulling at his clothes, tugging them closer together. They somehow managed to stumble to Noel's bed. Clothes were stripped until they were just a tangle of bare limbs. The music wrapped around them, cocooning them in their own world. Colours were dancing above them. Julian was murmuring half-formed words into Noel's ear. It started in the pit of Noel's stomach, built, built, built, until he couldn't fit anything else in. Julian was his whole universe.

Hours later Noel was left staring at his ceiling. They hadn't said a word. Noel had lit a cigarette, Julian plucked it from his fingers, put it to his own lips. Noel watched the smoke curl upwards, covering the poster of Mick Jagger he'd tacked to his ceiling. Julian had fallen asleep. But Noel didn’t. He couldn’t. He lay still, watching the light play on the wall as it bent and fractured.

He left before Julian woke. He was too afraid of what would happen if he stayed, so he fled his house into the dark of London. As he wandered aimlessly, he stepped deliberately into puddles, making the orange glow of the street lamps wobble and distort until it didn’t seem so real. It wasn't cold, but he hugged his thin jacket around himself.

He felt shattered, broken. This would be it. They'd never speak again. He'd managed to fuck it all up. In record time too. He knew men like Julian. He’d made that mistake before. More than once, truth be told. What they wanted at night wasn’t what they wanted in the morning and this thing between them was delicate. Fragile. It wouldn’t survive being pulled into the day light. Noel grimaced unhappily. Julian could have been... they could... he kicked a discarded Sprite can across the road. Furious and terrified he walked until his feet hurt and his back ached. Eventually, he ran out of places to go and turned towards home. Dread settled damply in his stomach.

He sat in the kitchen, smoking and nursing a cup of tea. The dingy light from the bear lightbulb over his head made him feel dull and sick. 

Just as light was creeping its way towards his feet from the window, he resolved to say something. As soon as Julian emerged he would have it out with him. Perhaps it wasn't too late to salvage this. He breathed deep through his nose. He could fix this.

Half a pack of Benson and Hedges later, his door creaked open. Julian was framed in the doorway. Back lit, his face was in shadow and Noel faltered. Not being able to see Julian's expression threw him and he was suddenly unsure. Words formed silently behind his lips but he couldn’t push them out. The silence went on a fraction too long and the moment was gone.

Julian came into the kitchen and sat down. He looked at Noel, his eyes flicked down, and he grinned. “Gay cowboy look in this season, is it?”

Noel laughed: it was going to be okay.

*****

The pattern was set. The tension would build slowly between them. Slowly, slowly until Noel could barely stand it. It seemed Julian was waiting, holding it back until he knew they were at breaking point. Then he'd follow Noel into his dressing room, hotel room, bedroom, and lock the door. They would stand for a moment, just staring at each other, their breath speeding up. Julian would always be the first to move, starting toward him, eyes dark and intent. Pushing him toward any flat surface, tugging him closer. His big hands shaking as they pulled his clothes off. He whispered his name, more breath than words against Noel's skin. 

Noel always put music on. Turning it up loud, not sure if he was trying to stop anyone outside hearing, or if he just wanted to drown them out.

They'd kiss, deep and punishing, hard enough to leave his lips swollen. They never spoke, not during and not after. Julian would fall asleep. Noel wouldn't. He lay awake, waiting for the sun to come up.

The sex was like breathing. They both knew they did it, but they never mentioned it.

He never told anyone. They made jokes about it, lied outright. But, somehow, it didn't feel like lying. They never acknowledged it, so maybe it didn't really happen. They were so good at pretending they weren't shagging, that Noel often wondered if he were dreaming it.

“You coming out tonight?” Noel was stretched out on Julian's sofa, his maroon boots resting on the arm.

Julian plopped his pen down on the refill pad in front of him. “Don't know, where we going?”

Noel shrugged. “Mike said something about a club.”

Julian scrunched up his nose. “I don't like clubs.”

Noel played with the stereo remote, turning the volume up, turning it down again. “You love 'em.”

“Only when I'm drunk enough. Dee around?” Julian disappeared into the kitchen and soon the sound of the kettle being filled, and then being clicked on, drifted out.

“Nah, she left for the Robot's tour last night.” Noel wandered over to the stack of CDs and began making a small pile of new stuff he was going to filch when he left. Julian never said anything about the missing music and so Noel could only assume he didn't mind.

There was a long pause. “You wanna crash here after, then?”

Noel paused, Patti Smith in one hand. He swallowed heavily. “Erm, could do, yeah.” He tried to remain casual, not really sure what Julian was getting at.

Another long pause. “Alright. We can finish the pilot.”

Pretending to not feel the disappointment welling up in his chest, Noel carried on dividing up Julian's CDs.

They staggered back to Julian's flat after the club began to chuck people out. Mike giggled as Dave picked him up bodily and ran down the street with him. That was the last they saw of them that night. Apparently they'd ended up at some random house party. Dave had pulled one of the girls that lived there and Mike fell asleep on the floor.

Julian half fell against his hallway light. Noel giggled as he tripped over the mat and clang on to Julian for support. Who, for his part, shushed him too loudly and laughed heartily. Noel exaggeratedly put a finger to his own mouth. He then proceeded to stumble several times as he struggled with his boots. His jeans were too tight. He fell against the door, shushed Julian loudly when he laughed, tried again, failed.

“Come here.” Julian knelt down and gently pulled off his boots one by one. Noel fell silent as he watched Julian tugging softly at his boot. There was something so tender in the action that Noel's heart swelled.

“Julian,” he breathed.

Julian swallowed. He didn't move, staring down at Noel's socks. For some reason Noel found himself wishing they matched.

“I,” Julian stopped. Wet his lips, opened his mouth, closed it.

Suddenly Noel felt ridiculous standing while Julian knelt. He crouched down. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten the pitcher of cocktails he'd downed just half an hour before. He toppled sideways, reaching out for support. Julian landed on top of him with a huff. They laughed until they couldn't breathe.

Then they got up and finished writing the pilot. Noel crept into Julian's bed and they giggled and talked until the sun came up.

****

Julian wasn't by and large an expressive man. But, as he moved over Noel, running his hands over his bare skin, Noel felt like he was painting his dreams, using his skin as a canvas. Julian finally let himself lose control when they were together. Noel took whatever Julian wanted to throw at him. Julian needed to relax more. 

What was Noel getting out of it? Other than the best sex of his life, he wasn't sure. But he needed the encounters too. If they went too long without being able to get together, his skin itched, like he wanted to crawl right out of it. His hands shook and he started smoking, painting, shopping, drinking. Anything to fill his time so he didn't fixate. More and more of it. Dee called it his manic phases.

He wondered whether she knew. She made jokes about them never being able to marry due to Noel's 'other wife'. She sought out other partners too. Noel wondered if it was because she sensed there was a section of himself that was always locked away. He didn't mind, he deserved it. Pot/kettle situations made him uncomfortable. So he made jokes about it, instead. They both did. He never really considered whether it was 'wrong'. Morality didn't come into it. It was just what him and Julian were.

He’d never fall asleep with Julian, though. He wasn’t sure if it was all part of some vivid dream at the best of times; he didn’t think he could bare waking up and Julian not being there. Or, the thought of Julian feeling the need to talk if they both woke up, naked and still tangled together with the sheets. So, he lay awake thinking up material. Then he’d sneak out of the house and walk around until the sun was nearly up. On his way home he’d buy breakfast, and bang about loudly in the kitchen until Julian joined him.

******

“Here, I’m buying this for you, it’s genius.” Noel picked up a fur lined coat and headed to the counter.

“You’re buying it for me?” Julian asked, trailing along behind him. “That’s what you’re going to buy with our first check from the BBC? An ugly old coat for someone who hates clothes?”

Noel grinned over his shoulder at him. “Can’t think of anything better. Besides, this pile’s for me.” He pointed over to a small mountain in the corner.

Julian laughed. “Figures.” He stopped for a moment and looked hard at Noel. “Thanks,” he said.

Noel waved him away. “No problem. You need a new one, anyway. Your one probably went out with the troops to fight Napoleon.”

Julian reached out and touched Noel’s shoulder. “No, I mean it, thank you.” There was something so intense in Julian’s eyes that Noel couldn’t look away. Julian’s hand was warm and solid on Noel’s shoulder. Neither of them moved.

“Julian.” Noel wasn’t ever sure what he was about to say, he’d opened his mouth on reflex, but before he could work it out, his phone shrilled loudly. He fished about for it before finally locating it in his coat pocket.

It turned out to be no one important. In fact, he couldn’t ever seem to remember who it was when he thought about it later. But, he did often think about the coat. Julian had that thing for years. Noel wondered what that meant, as he worked his way through the streets in the pre-dawn light, waiting for Julian to wake up. On the one hand, it almost certainly didn’t mean anything. Julian hated shopping. It stood to reason he’d carry on wearing any old coat if it continued managing the function it was designed for. On the other hand, Julian lost things. He couldn’t keep a pair of sunglasses more than a week before leaving them behind somewhere. That coat lasted tours, holidays, moving house, promotional gigs, nights where he was so drunk he could barely remember his own name. On the other hand again… he had five fingers. Noel sighed and shrugged off the thoughts. Instead imagining giant crocodiles that had a flare for fashion and writing novellas.

****

“Noel,” Dave picked up the flashing phone on the table in front of him. He turned it around and frowned down at the screen. “Ah, someone’s calling you, unknown number.”

Noel took the phone and glanced at it. “It’s Julian,” he replied before pressing a button and lifting the phone to his ear. “Hallo?”

“Can I speak to tiny Tim, please?” The voice on the end sounded gruff, like Sean Bean in Sharpe.

“Sorry, mate,” Noel laughed, putting on his best cockney geezer accent. “I got him up a chimney at the moment. He’s shining me cockney brass knobs after.”

“You’re sick bastard,” Julian laughed. “I’ll be down in a bit, get me a pint in.”

“Alright, see you later.” Noel hung up and headed to the bar.

“How come Julian’s number isn’t in your phone?” Dave asked as he sat back down.

“I think the real question here is, why’d you know his number off by heart?” Rich made loud kissing noises and pretended to snog his hand.

Noel kicked him in the shin. Turning back to Dave and ignoring Rich’s shriek of mock agony he said, “I deleted everyone off my phone book.”

“Why?” Dave rolled his eyes, no doubt thinking this was another clash between Noel and technology.

Noel shrugged. “Too many names. Didn’t even know who half them were. I figure anyone I really care about will phone me. I don’t need anyone else’s number.”

Dave simply raised his eyebrows, the _“My, my, how things have changed.”_ went unspoken.

Noel meant it. There were too many people in his life that he actually cared about, and didn’t seem to have enough time for. He needed a bit of a change of pace. Just for the moment. Probably by the time the next tour was ready he’d be up for it again. But, for now, he just wanted to relax. Spend more time with his real friends.

He told Julian this on their way back to his. Dee was off somewhere, ‘girls night out’, whatever that meant. Julian nodded. “Good, you don’t need those idiots.”

Noel grinned. There was a part of Julian that would forever be a dad. His instinct was to protect, organize, maintain order. That part of Julian didn’t really approve of some of Noel’s friends. He didn’t care, though, Julian would never call him on it, and for that Noel couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of affection for the daft Northern sod.

“Coming in?” he asked as they hovered on the door step.

Julian shrugged. “Could do, only cold pizza and beer waiting for me at home.”

“You’re a sad git,” Noel replied as he led the way into the living room.

“Talking of, you got anything to eat?” Julian sank onto the nearest sofa and closed his eyes.

“Nothing you’d want to eat.” Noel wandered into the kitchen and plucked two beers out of the fridge. “This do?” he asked holding them up.

“Yeah, pop something on the telly box,” Julian said, kicking off his shoes.

Noel complied and slouched down onto the sofa next to Julian, their arms and legs pressed together down one side.

Many hours later he stared blearily at the clock. It either said 03:22 or possibly 05:33, he couldn’t quite make it out. “I need to sleep,” he yawned, lifting his head from where he’d been resting it against Julian’s shoulder. His legs, which were curled beneath him, were aching with both the awkward position and exhaustion.

“Nah, stay here,” Julian murmured.

Noel closed his eyes, lay his head back down, but his legs were beginning to get vocal about their abuse. Noel shifted trying to stretch them out.

“No,” Julian reached out, still half asleep, and tugged at his arm. “You always leave when I fall asleep, just stay for a bit.”

Noel froze. Julian had never mentioned anything even close to that area before. Julian must have noticed the way Noel tensed because suddenly his eyes were open and he was looking right at him. His hand was still holding Noel’s arm. Noel blinked slowly, but Julian didn’t move. Didn’t seem to be backing down. Noel’s heart was thumping against his ribcage, he wondered vaguely if Julian could hear it.

“Noel, you know-”

The door slammed shut. Dee was singing. She appeared to have brought half of Camden home with her. Julian removed his hand.

***

Noel’s vision was blurred at the edges. He blinked a couple of times and realised he didn’t know where he was. It wasn’t his flat. Not his bed. Not even a hotel bed. He froze, not wanting to think. Not wanting to remember. There was a cold weight in his stomach and his head throbbed. Last night had been Not Good. He was sure of that even before a body rolled over next to him.

He wondered if he could get away with not looking over at it until he managed to make his way to the door. 

The angry buzzing of a phone he knew was his, and the reason he was awake, was coming from somewhere near the bed. He’d have to reach for it.

Before he could dwell on it, he rolled out of the bed and fumbled in a jumble of clothes on the floor. Not just this own. He supposed it should be a relief that it was Mike’s name on the screen. Probably better than the alternatives.

“’’llo?” His voice was rough, like it didn't belong to him.

“Where the hell are you?” Mike’s voice was measured but there was a hardness at the edges. Like he was reserving anger depending on Noel’s answer.

He glanced over his shoulder. There was a body huddled under the blankets. It was still, so still he suspected it was listening to everything he said. He weighed his options. “I’m not sure.”

Mike sighed. “Call a taxi, yeah? We’re leaving in half an hour.”

“Okay." Noel nodded.

“And call Julian, yeah? He’s gone all silent and Northern.”

Noel nodded again. His head swam while his stomach roiled unhappily. “Could you-“ The line was dead.

He sighed and bent to sort through the pile of clothes.

“Everything okay?” The body was speaking to him.

Noel paused and still couldn’t look up. “Yeah. Magic. Just need a taxi – we’re heading out in bit.” He’d done this enough times to know that keeping it light was the key. That, and making sure he didn’t accidently leave any clothes behind. No chance he’d be seeing them again if he did.

“Okay, I’ll call you one if you like. Coffee before you leave?”

Noel chanced a look up and forced a smile onto his face. “Yeah, genius, thanks.”

The girl grinned at him and groped for her phone before walking out of the room. Seeing her face brought back the previous night and his stomach dropped unhappily. Julian. Bloody fucking fuck.

After show parties were the worst. He loved them. Which was the problem. The high of performing coupled with booze and the increasing number of people wanting to buy it for him led to Bad Decisions. Poor impulse control. That’s what his school reports had said and they were right.

“You’re fucking perfect, you know that?” Julian’s breath was hot in his ear as he wrapped his arms around Noel and pulled him into a rough hug. The applause from the end of the show was still ringing in his ears and Noel felt euphoric in a way that he didn’t know how to contain. He grinned up at Julian and easy as that placed a little kiss on his lips. Julian grinned back at him. The crowd roared their approval. It was magic. Perfect.

They went to a club. They all insisted on it. It was a night worth celebrating – no one mentioned that Noel thought every night was one worth celebrating. 

Julian had been particularly present all night. Not touching him. Not even really talking, but just being close-by. Whenever Noel looked up there Julian was with a soft smile.

It made Noel’s stomach flutter and his face flush. He wondered if everyone could tell. Whether he was broadcasting on all frequencies that he was besotted with his comedy partner. After catching Julian’s eye for tenth time that night, he looked over at Dave who raised his eyebrow in question. Noel shook his head. No, he didn’t know what had gotten into Julian either.

“It’s good, though, innit?” Dave half-shouted into his ear when he’d made it over to him. “It’s nice to see him look so relaxed for once. This time in a tour he’s usually wound tighter than a granny’s knickers.”

Noel giggled. “I guess.” He sipped his beer. Julian was grinning at them, looking like he was about to make his way over.

And Noel was suddenly gripped with utter panic. Things were too good. He couldn’t let himself get any happier, any drunker, around Julian tonight. They weren’t boyfriends. He knew that. He’d spent countless nights walking around deserted streets telling himself that. But, sometimes, like tonight, the lines were too blurred for Noel to properly make them out. He needed to put some distance between them or he was going to do something that took this thing too far. It was too much of a risk. Not when they were just starting to get some success with the show. He wouldn’t do it to Dave. To Mike. Bloody hell, not even to Rich. Certinly not to Julian.

“Let’s find some birds, year?” he said, leaning into Dave and nodding at the dancefloor.

Dave blinked and his eyes flickered to Julain briefly. “Yeah?” he asked slowly.

Noel rolled his eyes. “Yes, mum." He tugged at Dave’s hand and motioned to a group of girls, clearly from their gig, over at the bar. “Let’s go.”

He felt Julian’s eyes on him as they went over. As they bought them drinks. As they danced. As Noel let one of the girls, he didn’t catch her name, move closer and closer to him. Dave had exited the group when Rich had demanded a dance off. The club was starting to bend at the edges as Noel danced with the girl, letting her kiss him and telling himself it was what he signed up for. It was why people wanted to be famous, right?

He let her pull him towards the club door. Julian watched them go. Noel chanced a quick look back at him. He didn’t look surprised. Or hurt. But, Noel knew he was breaking something by leaving with her. Breaking whatever spell was over Julian. Good, some small, angry part of him said. It’s better than him trying to talk to you about this.

But there was something in Julian’s gaze that made Noel feel about two feet tall. He wanted to go back and apologise. For what, he wasn’t sure. He wanted to wrap himself in Julian and never leave. Not an option. Instead, he tightened his grip around the girl’s waist. Pulling her against him, making her giggle.

“After party at yours, yeah?” he mumbled as they staggered to the door.

Noel grimaced and looked back at this phone, shaking off the memories. Call Julian. Right. Fuck. He pressed the buttons reluctantly. No point in putting this off until they were surrounded by people. That way led to slamming doors and shouted, furious words that said one thing but meant something completely different.

“Noel?” Julian’s voice was tight.

“Alright, Ju?” Noel forced a grin onto his face. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Corse he hadn’t, so just keep it light.

“Where are you?” He hated when Julian’s voice was all quiet like that. He hated not being able to see him.

He avoided the question, even in his muddled state he could see a trap when he was hurtling toward one, "Just getting a taxi back to the hotel.”

There was a pause. “Good night?”

No. “Yeah, genius.” Noel was terrible on the phone. He couldn’t make the right connection with people when he couldn’t see them. There was a long pause. “You?”

The silence went on for such a long time that Noel looked at his screen to check Julian hadn’t hung up.

“I wanted to talk to you.” Julian’s voice was small and tinny sounding. So far away he might as well be talking to him from Mars.

Noel’s stomach turned. He thought for a horrifying moment he was going to be sick all over this anonymous-girl’s floor.

He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t have this conversation with Julian when he smelt like sex and it felt like booze was leaking out of his pores. It felt like he was fracturing apart.

Just keep your voice light, he told himself. If he could keep it light then maybe when he got back to the hotel he could find Julian, make it up to him. Pull them back to where they’d been last night. “Well, we can talk when I get back, yeah?” He swallowed thickly; tried for a joke, “You should get out more, you know. Live a little.”

It was the wrong thing to say. “You’re doing that enough for both of us.” Clipped and angry, the words were meant to hurt.

Noel scowled at himself. It wasn’t Julian’s fault he’d slept with someone he’d never see again. That he didn’t know where he was. That he wasn’t entirely sure what city even. But, then, maybe it was. It was certainly his fault that he felt guilty. Like the biggest shit at the zoo. His face flushed. “Fuck off, yeah? Mike asked me to call because you’re being a giant dick and it’s not fair on anyone.”

Noel hated phones. He could feel the conversation, and Julian, getting away from him. They didn’t work like this. It was better when it was just them alone. When Noel could crawl into Julian’s lap and refuse to move until he smiled.

“Well, saint bloody Noel to the rescue,” Julian drawled. “If you weren’t whoring your way across the UK, we’d have been on the road by now. But, I doubt that’s occurred to you.”

Noel wanted to divert this argument so badly he could taste it. But, his legs felt like lead and his head hurt and he couldn’t shake the look on Julian’s face as he left the club. How he could hate his life so much when just a few hours ago he’d felt like all his dreams had come true, he didn’t know. It made him vicious, like a cornered animal. “Look, this dad act is really fucking old, Ju, okay? I said I’m gonna be there soon, right? Just because you’re a sad, old man don’t mean I have to be. I’m gonna go. Still got time to fuck again before the taxi’s here.”

He hung up and stared at the phone for a few seconds before throwing it angrily onto the bed. It lay there for a few moments not ringing because Julian was sorry and wanted to make up.

He didn’t look at the girl when she came back in with a mug and the news the taxi was outside. He tried to smile as he refused to take the mug with him and dodged when she leaned in for a kiss. He felt cold and sick all the way back to the hotel. He didn’t look at anyone as he climbed onto the bus, sunglasses firmly over his face.

They didn’t talk about the phone call again but Noel wondered what would have happened if he’d stayed at the club all the way to the next city.

****

Noel laughed, holding his stomach as it cramped from overuse. Julian was sniggering from his place at the foot of his bed. 

"I'm writing that down," he said, his pen moving over the pad. 

"I have to stop," Noel wheezed. "I can't keep this up. I'll starve to death." 

Julian rolled his eyes and threw his pen at Noel. "It's only been," he looked at his watched and frowned, "six hours... oh." 

"Yeah, let's order a pizza." 

Julian nodded and threw his pad into the floor, rubbing a hand over his eyes like he'd only just realised he was tired. 

"Can I use your shower while we wait?" Noel felt gritty from the day and besides Julian's shower was so much better than his. 

"Fine," Julian managed to sound long suffering despite it being a completely reasonable request. "I'll order something." 

Noel liked Julian's place. There was something peaceful about it. It sometimes felt like the only quiet place in the entirety of London. After he stepped out of the shower he stood looking at his own reflection behind the steam in the bathroom mirror.

He wondered what people thought when they looked at him. What they saw. Especially Julian. Did he even really see him now? It'd been so long maybe he'd turned into the human equivalent of wallpaper. Is that how he felt about Julian? He closed his eyes, picturing his face. Messy hair and little eyes. Never quite clean shaven however recently his face had seen a razor. No. It didn't seem possible that Julian would ever slip into the background where Noel was concerned. 

He didn't want to put his own clothes back on so he rummaged around Julian's room to find a clean t-shirt before heading out to the kitchen. 

Julian was pottering about the little room by the time he emerged from the bedroom. He glanced up and eyed his t-shirt which swamped Noel, truth be told. "Think it's a bit big on you." 

Noel shrugged. "Maybe it'll be my new look." 

"Baggy clothes? That'll set Camden alight." He was making tea and handed one to Noel without asking. 

"Your clothes," Noel corrected. 

Julian paused for a moment, his hands stilling over the milk. He swallowed. Noel hadn't meant it to sound as intimate as it had. But, there was that undercurrent again, the buzz of the unspoken and unacknowledged, giving life to something that would otherwise be totally innocuous. Noel wondered for the thousandth, millionth, time what Julian was thinking. Was he a little thrilled at the idea of Noel wearing his clothes? Of showing their casual intimacy to the world? Of nodding toward something that so many people must wonder about but would never know for certain. Noel didn't know and perhaps it didn't matter. Not when it was the two of them here in Julian's kitchen. 

"Not sure hobo is really the look you're going for," Julian said in the end. Turning and smiling softly at him and breaking the tension. 

They ate the pizza in Julian's bed, pouring over their day's work. Noel laughed and laughed until he thought he might not be able to stop. 

They fell asleep there, Noel promising that he was just resting his eyes for a moment. They woke in the night, tangled together. Julian gripping Noel to him in sleep in a way that would make him blush and stammer if ever questioned on it later. 

***

Noel kicked a chair over, his heart beating wildly against his chest. This was it, he thought as he looked around. He was leaving. Fuck this. Fuck this tour. Fuck the Boosh and fuck fucking Julian fucking Barratt. He didn’t need this.

He was dimly aware that him leaving would have repercussions beyond damaging his career, but he could barely see straight, let alone contemplate what that might be. He stared wildly around the room. He’d need to pack: take some of his things with him if he was leaving.

He picked up the nearest bag and began shoving things into it with shaking hands. He suspected he might at some point be embarrassed that he’d thrown a mag at Julian. It had smashed against the wall behind his head in a shower of white porcelain, Julian ducking out of the way at the last moment. “You cunt,” Julian spat at him, drawing breath for another tirade.

Noel wasn’t actually sure what they were even arguing about anymore. It was meant to be about the end of episode four. But, it had got all twisted. It was like the tight ball of worry about all the things he never said to Julian, hadn’t let himself, was burning him. He needed to say something to let them out. But he couldn’t say what he really wanted to. “What do you want from me?” he wanted to scream. “Why am I never good enough? Why is nothing I do ever enough to make you want to be with me more than once every few months? Why don’t you want me all the time, like I want you? Why am I not good enough?”

But as soon as those words rose in his throat, fear and shame pushed them down. The truth was, he didn’t want to know the answer to those questions. Looking at Julian’s furious face, he knew the answer wasn’t going to be good. Wasn’t going to give him the peace he wanted.

“That’s it!” he shouted, feeling his throat constrict with terror at the words forming in his mouth. “I’m done. I’m fucking done. I don’t need this. I’ll tell the guys the whole fucking thing’s off.”

Julian’s face drained of colour as Noel had spun on his heel and stormed from the room.

The terror didn’t seem to be dimming as he continued to pick things at random from around his dressing room and put them into a bag. But, then, neither was his fury, and that was what carried him over to his coat. He shoved it on roughly, looking about for his wallet and phone.

The sound of the door opening made him spin around. Julian was frozen in the doorway, taking in the bag in Noel’s hand and that his coat was on. Noel scowled and opened his mouth to shout something about Julian getting the fuck out of his dressing room when something awful happened.

Julian’s face screwed up and a silent sob escaped his mouth, even has his hand came up to try and stop it.

Julian wasn’t a crier. That was Noel’s bag – he’d been known to literally cry over spilt milk. Sure, he was on the mother of all comedowns, but still. He’d broken down into a sobbing mess as the last bowl of cereal in the house lay on the floor, all sad and ruined.

“Hey there, little man, it’s okay,” Julian had muttered softly, placing a gentle hand on his back. He’d kept it there as he knelt and cleaned up the liquid from the floor while tears streamed down Noel’s face. “It’s okay,” Julian repeated, over and over, making small circular motions across Noel’s back. It was nice and Noel had felt warm and safe in a way he hadn’t since his mum would bring him soup when he was little and off sick from school.

But, that wasn’t Julian. He just wasn’t a crier. Noel could count the number of times he’d seen Julian even close to it on one hand. But, there he was, standing in the doorway, tears streaming down his face. Noel felt like he’d been struck by lightening.

All the anger drained from him in an instant, like it had never been there at all. He dropped the bag and was across the room before he’d even made the decision to do it. Julian needed him. It wasn’t a choice. He wrapped his arms around Julian’s neck, feeling a little bit desperate himself.

He clung to him, as Julian’s hands came up to grab the back of his coat, balling into fists. “Don’t leave, I’m sorry,” he whispered, sounding all of five and so, so scared.

He pressed himself closer into Julian’s arms, trying to imprint himself there through sheer force of will. “Never, I’m not going. I’m sorry. I’m sorry," Noel whispered back.

His heart was beating too fast, the reality of what had just happened making him feel wild. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry." Noel wasn’t sure which of them was even saying it anymore. It didn’t matter.

Noel moved his hands to cup Julian’s face, using his thumbs to brush away the tears there. Julian’s eyes were puffy and he looked utterly wrecked. Noel kissed him hard, desperation making him press his whole body to Julian’s, like he wanted to climb inside his skin with him.

“Don’t leave,” Julian breathed between kisses, moving his hands to slide under Noel’s t-shirt and dig his fingers into the soft skin there.

“Never,” Noel panted, moving his own hands to Julian’s clothes, suddenly consumed with the need to feel his skin on his own. “Never, I’ll never leave you. You’re it. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

There was an almighty bang on the door. “Have you two made up or killed each other yet? The taxi’s here,” Mike’s voice shouted through the door.

They froze, panting into each other’s mouths. Noel felt his stomach lurch in terror at the memory of his own words, just moments earlier but seeming to belong to another life. One where he and Julian were more than a series of stolen moments.

Julian was the first to recover, not moving from Noel, he called, “Yeah, yeah, we’re good. Just give us a minute, yeah?” Mike would never mention the way Julian’s voice broke on the last word. He was a good friend. That, and he didn’t have a death wish.

“Fine, I’ll see you in the car,” he said instead.

Julian stood for moment, pressing his forehead to Noel’s, before placing a gentle kiss there. “Little man,” he breathed, eyes closed.

Noel closed his own eyes and tried to will them back to a minute ago. But it was no good. Julian was pulling back and wiping at his eyes.

The next day Julian handed Noel the script for the end of the scene, Noel’s requested changes made. But neither of them mentioned the fight again.

***

It wasn’t like they didn’t have sex with other people. Of course they did. Julian might be a little more subtle about it than Noel. But neither of them expected the other not to get their end away when the moment was right. 

But only with women. 

That was the rule, wasn’t it, Noel thought as he stared dumbly across the room. Obviously they’d never discussed it. But, they were both straight and so they didn’t fuck other men. That stood to reason. Because if they weren’t straight, then what the fuck were they doing? Why hadn't Julian... he couldn't even bring himself to finish the thought. 

They were straight and so Julian wasn’t giggling with Ben fucking Wilshaw. And… Noel felt his jaw tighten. Was that an actual blush? 

Ben had filled out a bit since Nathan Barley, his hair was longer and starting to curl. But his cheek bones looked like they could cut glass from all the way across the room. 

"Geez, who pissed in your cornflakes?" Mike asked, from his side. 

Noel blinked the imagine across the room away and turned to look at him. "Nothing," he said, sounding hollow even to his own ears. He changed the subject. "This party is shit. The beer's warm."

Both Mike's eyebrows rose. 

"What?" Noel snapped. 

Mike held both hands up in placating manner. "Don't get snippy with me, I didn't go anywhere near your breakfast." 

Noel rolled his eyes, then found them drifting back across the room. He saw Mike slink away from the line of fire. Sighing and gripping his beer more tightly than was strictly necessary he turned to find something to distract himself. 

The thing was, he knew Julian. He knew when he was interested in someone. When he was trying Julian's version of flirting. It was pretty obscure. Not many people would spot it. The slight tilt of the body. The slant of his lips as he pressed down on a smile. The fact that Ben had held Julian's attention for over fifteen minutes and he hadn't slunk off to get a drink never to return. 

He walked around the party, trying to find a safe person he could talk to. Someone who wouldn't ask questions. 

"Seize the day, you'll never be here again," someone was shouting from the kitchen. Noel felt his mouth quirk in response. 

"Russell!" he called as he entered. 

"Little Noel!" Russell grinned and pulled him into a slightly too rough hug and placed a sloppy kiss to his temple. 

"Alright, Matt?" Noel nodded to the man leaning against the counter. 

"Noel," Matt raised his own bottle in a mini salute. 

"What's happening, then?" Noel asked when he got his balance back. 

"I was just telling young Matthew here that he needs to live a little." Russell was gesturing expansively as though indicating much more than just the house party. 

Noel nodded as though he understood the conversation. "Yeah, totally, gotta get out there and tackle that fish right to the ground." 

"I am!" Matt said, suppressing a fond smile in Russell's direction. "I just don't feel the need to shag in every toilet I happen to see." 

Russell cackled. "That's where you're missing out. Them toilets are like my churches. Worshiping there morning, noon and night to the God of animal, carnal desire." 

Noel nodded and looked back the way he'd come. Unfortunately he could still see back into the living room. Julian was leaning against the wall, one arm almost bracketing Ben, meaning the other man had to look up at him. He was grinning softly. Noel felt something ugly and painful unfurl in his stomach. 

Whole futures sprung up before his eyes. It would be small things to start off with. Julian casually mentioning Ben in conversation. Then maybe he'd come to the odd rehearsal. Nothing big, lots of people would pop by to say hello - he'd be in the neighbourhood and just drop in. Then perhaps Julian would invite him to drinks afterwards. That would be the start. Then Julian would start pulling away from Noel. Small things. The odd missed call or unanswered text. Nothing Noel could pinpoint as rude or out of place. Just a gentle shift. 

He could see it so clearly it was like it'd already happened. The day would come when it wasn't so unspoken and subtle. Maybe they'd be getting ready for a night out, all at Noel's flat, excited for a Boosh party. And Julian would arrive. Only he wouldn't be alone like before. He'd be with Ben. Maybe this wasn't the first time he'd joined them, only this time he and Julian would be holding hands. He could even see Julian's face, map his expression: awkward and slightly embarrassed but defiant, almost daring someone to say something. It was so clear he could draw it. Without a pencil if he had to. 

And no one would say anything. Because it would make a sort of sense. Ben was like Julian in so many ways. A serious actor. Someone who got Julian's awkwardness and wouldn't drag him to shit clubs that he hated. He probably went to dinner parties where people talked about politics and understood queer culture. Someone who would be able to coax Julian gently into their life and keep him there. Happy and complete. An equal in every way. And his ass looked fucking amazing in those jeans. 

That's how he'd loose him. Not in a fight. But slowly. Like sand slipping through his fingers. 

Everyone would look at Noel with sadness. Maybe even pity. Perhaps they wouldn't say anything outright but he would be able to read it in their faces. That he'd never been good enough for this. For Julian. For anything long term or, god forbid, public. He was a holding pattern and nothing more. And everyone would know. And he'd broken.

Noel realised he should have planned for this. Created himself a plan B. Some sort of escape shuttle from his and Julian's... whatever it was. But he hadn't. Couldn't, perhaps. 

"Isn't Ben still with Simon?" he found himself saying without realising he was going to. 

Matt and Russell stopped talking about... whatever they were taking about. Noel realised he had no idea. There was a beat of silence before they both moved to stand facing the same way as Noel. There was a second beat of silence, this one slightly awkward. 

"I think they broke up," Matt said eventually. 

"Yeah," Russell agreed. They stood silently again watching as Ben bit his lip and looked down at his shoes, a grin on his face. "He's beautiful for a man, in'he?" Russell said. 

Matt nodded. Those utter traitor bastards. "Remember when you said if you were gonna have sex with a man it'd be him because he's so beautiful?" Matt said. 

"Well," Russell said, "he is, isn't he? Not really even a human. More an ethereal love sprite than man." 

Noel felt sick. "He's an idiot." He hadn't meant to say that out loud. He felt himself blush which was ridiculous. He cleared his throat. "This beer's warm." 

Russell threw his arm around Noel's shoulders making him stagger. Maybe he'd had more warm beer than he'd thought. 

"Ben's alright," he said, his voice a bit softer than before. "He's a bit awkward, but there's nothing wrong with that. You seem to like that great hulking, Northern awkward magnet just fine." 

Was it possible that Russell hadn't spotted his jealousy? He glanced sideways. Perhaps he was just giving him an out. 

"You should get to know him better," Russell announced squashing that idea. Then, just milliseconds before it happened, Noel realised what he was about to do but was powerless to stop it. "'Ere! Wilshaw!" 

"Russell," Matt said gently, perhaps catching the look of utter dismay on Noel's face. 

But it was too late, Julian and Ben were looking at them, a bit startled. 

Russell strode over tugging a desperate Noel and amused Matt in his wake. "What's happening over here, then?' Russell asked. 

There was a beat too long of silence that made Noel want to curl into a ball for the rest of his life. Neither man apparently knew how to answer that. Maybe it had been too intimate to relay.

This would be the usual point where Noel would leap in to rescue Julian from having to answer. But he was on the outside this time. 

Ben shrugged. "Not much, just talking about acting." When no one spoke he added, "Julian was just talking about maybe doing a film." 

"Yeah, if I was good enough to carry more than two scenes in a row," Julian finished. It was his usual shtick. A way of deflecting interest and stopping anyone who might want to know more from asking questions. 

"With looks like yours? People would be queuing round the block," Russell said with an over enthusiastic wink. He paused before continuing, "I'd be well up for movies."

"What?" Matt said incredulously, "you'd last five minutes on a movie set. The moment the director told you where to stand you'd be straight in your trailer demanding to speak to your agent." 

Russell cackled loudly and began building on Matt's joke, so Ben's response to Julian was mostly lost. But Noel saw him reach out and shove Julian's arm gently and shake his head. "You'd be great," he said softly. 

Julian glanced at him in response. He was pleased. His expression didn't change but Noel could see it in the softening of his eyes and gentle tilt of his lips. He wondered if Ben could tell. 

"Me and you should do a movie," Russell announced motioning to Julian and capturing his attention away from Ben. 

"Sure," Julian replied easily. "Which one?" 

They began chatting, leaving Noel staring right at Ben. Who looked up and noticed. Caught in the act, Noel wasn't sure what to do. He should say something. He knew he should. He just couldn't think of a single thing to say. 

"I saw your last show," Ben said, saving him. He grinned sheepishly. "It was great."

Noel nodded, feeling sour. He wanted to speak and not show himself to be the dick he could feel himself being but his mouth wouldn't form the words. 

Ben tried again. "The music was amazing." 

Noel felt himself smile. A small, sad thing. "Julian wrote it." 

Ben faltered, not prepared for the response. "Oh," he said, glancing at Julian who was laughing at Russell and not paying them any attention. He looked back at Noel. "It was all good. It's got such a distinctive look. You'd be able to tell it apart from anything." 

Noel felt almost sorry for being so obtuse. Ben was clearly a nice guy. He was trying even though he was awkward. The right thing to do here was be nice. Be a wingman for his best friend. What would messing this thing up for Julian really achieve anyway? Keep him around a couple more months, years at a big push, just for it to happen one day anyway? It wasn't fair. Not to either of them. 

"Thanks man," he forced the words out though his mouth felt clumsy around them. "But it's really all Julian. He's..." he faltered for a moment before making himself try again, "He actually has a big hand in the whole thing, really. Like, he loves all the directing and stuff."

Ben nodded, smiling again now the conversation was flowing better. "You're not interested in all of that?" 

Noel shook his head. "Nah, that's Julian's bag. I'm pretty much here for the costumes and booze." 

Ben frowned a bit. "Oh, you've never thought of directing or anything?" 

Noel laughed into his beer. Although he didn't feel anything resembling humour. "Not really my style, you know? Julian though," he reached out and clapped a hand to Julian's arm. "Julian is your man to talk to about the technical stuff. He's a genius." 

Julian was looking at him funny. But Noel ignored him. 

Ben nodded and looked back at Julian. "I'm sure he is." 

"Yeah," Noel agreed. "Right you losers, I'm off." He suddenly wanted to be anywhere else. Maybe if he sped this thing up he could get on with concocting his escape plan. 

"You off?" Julian looked surprised. 

"Yeah," Noel said, hoping his voice didn't sound as pitiful to everyone else as it did in his head. "Gonna grab a taxi." He didn't look at Julian as he turned on his heel. "See you guys," he saluted to Russell and Matt, who looked a bit taken aback but waved him off amiably enough. 

The cold air hit him as he left the front door. It calmed him. London at night was his home. The street was quiet; he'd need to walk to find a taxi. But that suited him just fine. Walking put more distance between him and Julian. 

He was rounding the corner when he heard footsteps behind him, hard on the pavement, coming up behind him fast. There was a moment of fear where he clutched his hand hard around his phone in his pocket, then, "Wait up, eh?" 

Julian put a hand out to catch himself, hooking onto Noel's arm to slow himself down. The street lamp cast a warm glow over his face, already flushed from the cold. 

Noel blinked up at him. "What are you doing?" 

Julian frowned at him. "Getting a lift back with you. Why didn't you wait for me?" 

They had agreed to share a taxi back, but that was before... "I thought you'd want to get a taxi somewhere else."

"What? Where?" 

Julian was looking so perplexed that he nearly let him off the hook. But he'd seen the smile. "Ben's?" 

There was a beat before Julian responded like he was weighing up laughing. "Ben's? What would I-?"

"Mate, he's fit, if you wanna get your end away, that's fine." His voice hardly faltered and he felt sort of proud. 

Julian actually recoiled. "I don't... I don't do that. You know I don't."

Don't what, sleep with men? The urge to say it was almost painful. But he couldn't. He couldn't push them out. He wasn't sure what would happen. They'd be having the conversation they'd been avoiding for years and he still wasn't somehow ready. 

The option of ending this conversation hovered in the air between them. "But, you fancy him. I can tell." But he also wasn't ready to let it drop. Some part of him hoping maybe Julian would bring it up, would want to talk about it. 

"I..." Julian shifted around, hunched over into himself. "I mean... he's..." he looked intently at Noel for a moment. "I don't fancy him," he said finally. 

"You can go with him if you want." Just drop it Fielding. 

"I don't." Julian drew himself up. He looked defiant, like he was challenging Noel to question him. 

Noel let a breath out slow. He believed Julian. At least that he didn't want anything more than a harmless flirt at a house party. God he was an idiot. He felt a smile tugging at his lips, the hard knot in his stomach unfurling. "Yeah?" 

Julian rolled his eyes. "Yes, you insufferable tit. Now let's find a taxi out of here. It's gonna cost a fortune and you're paying." 

He strode off around the corner, leaving Noel to trail behind. Grinning despite himself. "I left my wallet at home." 

****

Noel was never any good at knowing when something was over. Not parties. Not his own stories. He just wasn’t good at endings. Wasn’t built for them. He liked being in the moment and if that was fun, why worry about finding the next thing? 

But, it got him in all sorts of trouble, not knowing when something was finishing. Hangovers and emotional sucker punches he was never prepared for, hit him hard enough to leave him reeling for days. Although, when he looked back he realised he should have been prepared. The signs were always there. But, in the moment he just never noticed, so intent on enjoying the now he never looked for the future coming up to hit him squarely in the solar plexus. 

“I’m getting married.” 

Noel blinked. He felt frozen in place and suddenly cold through. 

"I mean, you know, not right now. But, someday. I'm going to want to be married." Dee stared hard at him, waiting for a response. Noel wanted to give one, wanted to move from his seat across the kitchen table from her, but he couldn't. He couldn't seem to make himself do anything at all.

He'd suspected that this wasn't a good conversation before it had even started, but he hadn't considered how bad it might be. His hand made an aborted movement, like he was going to reach out to Dee across the table. But she might as well be a million miles away for all he was able to touch her. 

"And it's never going to be to you, is it?" she continued after it became clear that he wasn't going to speak. 

Noel flicked his eyes up from the scuffed wood of the table to meet her eyes. He dropped his gaze quickly again. "Where's this coming from?" he asked, his voice small. 

"That's not an answer," she said. He could feel her gaze on him. That hard stare she used when something wasn't going to be dropped, when there was going to be a fight no matter what he did now. 

"I... what do you want me to say?" Noel threw his hands up, feeling cornered and angry. "Do you want me to get down on one knee right now or you're leaving?" 

She huffed a laugh, although there was no humour in it. "No, Noel, I don't. But I do want some sort of sign that you're actually in this with me for something more than nights out and someone to be there for you when you're hungover." 

"I am!" And he meant it. He really did. He loved Dee. Of course he loved Dee. They were perfect for each other. 

"I don't think you are," she said, her voice softening for a moment. She took a took a deep breath, waiting to see if he'd continue to argue. Noel slumped back in the chair, not sure what else to say. He couldn't disagree with the idea that he couldn't imagine them marrying. To be honest it hadn't even occurred to him. He'd never considered that might be a problem in itself. 

They sat in silence for a long time. The house seemed quiet and sad around them. 

“Are you at least shagging him?” Dee asked suddenly.

Noel flinched back. It’s not like he hadn’t been asked that a hundred times. But never with the expectation of an answer other than no. 

"I... we..." Noel's pulsed raced and he gathered himself to look up at her and lie. To laugh and call her paranoid and stupid. But the look in her eyes stopped him short. She wasn't angry, not hurt or even accusatory, just considering and he found he didn't want to lie. He realised he was desperate to tell her. To hear the words. And, yes, maybe he didn't love her the way he should, the way she deserved, but she was still his best friend and he didn't want to lie to her. "It's not like that. We don't... we're not together for anything." 

She seemed surprised for a moment, perhaps not at the answer but at the fact there was one. She schooled her features and took another deep breath. "But you love him." 

"I..." Noel shrugged helplessly. "I mean, it's not like..." he floundered, searching in vain for the words. Shaking his head he heard himself say, "mutual." 

He hadn't meant to say it but as soon as he had, he realised that he was right. That it was exactly what he meant. God, he was pathetic. 

She pursed her lips and placed her hands flat on the table. "How long?" she said. 

"Which bit?" Noel squirmed in his seat, bringing his hand up to bite at the thumb nail. 

"All of it." 

"Since I met him." It felt oddly good to say the words out loud. Freeing almost. 

She nodded again. "You're a cunt." 

"Yeah," Noel nodded, eyes firmly on the table. 

"Why didn't you..." she gestured hopelessly, perhaps trying to ask a hundred ends to that sentence at once. 

"I don't know," he answered. "It's not like I don't love you. You know I do. But, like, me and..." he faltered on the name, swallowing past the block in his throat before trying again. "Me and Julian, we're aren't... we're just... us. I don't know what it even is." 

Dee nodded again. "Do you know what you want it to be?" 

Noel blinked. He'd never really considered it. When he tried the magnitude of the thoughts overwhelmed him and he shut them off. Besides, he found it impossible to imagine beyond having an actual conversation with Julian about it. They'd made a career, a life, out of not talking about it. But Dee was still waiting for a response. He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. He... I mean... can you imagine him.... he doesn't..." 

He looked up pleadingly and Dee relented. "Noel, look," she watched squirm for a moment before she sighed, obviously giving up on the conversation. On him. "I'm going to get the rest of my stuff next week." 

She stood up from the table as he watched her silently. Knowing that it was the right thing didn't make it hurt less. He wanted to say something, something that would make all it seem less sad and final. But there wasn't anything. It wasn't his right to make it better. 

In the end Dee saved him, as she so often did. "For what it's worth," she said, shouldering her handbag and heading to the door, "I can see you two crazy kids together. I'd hate it to my very soul," she grinned, "but I'd like it too. Maybe you should think about it." 

Then she was gone. Noel watched the door close with a click. He held himself still for what could have been a minute or an hour before slowly and carefully taking out his phone. He placed it gently down on the table in front of him. He watched the blank screen carefully not considering what he was going to do before he reached forward and wrote a short message. He sent it before his hands began to shake: "I think it's about time we had that talk, yeah?" 

He sat in the kitchen trying to force his mind blank and hands still. He focused his entire will, his whole world, down and down until it was just his phone. It was startling when it buzzed with a new message. He read it and swallowed back a wave of nausea. "I'm on my way to yours." 

The sun was just starting to go down. The shadows in his kitchen were getting longer as the evening settled around him. Noel didn't move. Julian would let himself in anyway. It seemed inevitable they would end up here, with Noel waiting in his kitchen for Julian to appear. They hadn't avoided their conversation from that first night together, just postponed it for a few years. 

He supposed it was fitting he would be back to where he was before he met Julian too, when they were done. Alone. No career and nowhere to go. A slow moving car crash of a person. Just took a bit longer to hit him. 

He looked up as the door opened. Julian was backlit again, and Noel couldn't see his face. Same as before, only this time he forced himself to speak. "Dee knows," he said, in way of a greeting. "She's gone." 

Julian was momentarily still before he shut the door and flicked on the light. Somehow he thought Julian would look different once he'd finally given voice to this thing between. But he didn't. He was still the same man, same eyes staring at him like he already knew what Noel was thinking; what he was about to say. 

Julian nodded. He didn't seem surprised or scared or angry. He was just waiting for Noel to continue as though waiting for a cue in one of their shows. For some reason that gave him the courage to keep speaking. 

"She thinks that we don't have a future because you know..." Noel's courage ran out before the end of the sentence. 

"We're shagging," Julian's voice seemed impossibly strong and sure. 

For his part, Noel actively flinched at the word, at hearing it fall from Julian's lips. He looked up, mouth dropping open in a squeak of outrage. 

Julian's mouth quirked into an almost smile. 

"I can't believe you just said that," Noel said eventually. "I thought maybe you hadn't noticed." 

"Hard to miss something like that," Julian said, his voice level. 

Noel hated this. Hated not knowing where this was going and what Julian was about to say. He was so used to reading Julian's body like a book and now it was completely closed. 

"I guess so." Noel picked at the grain in the wood of the table. Flicked his eyes up to Julian and back down again. "You never said anything. About the shagging," he added, as though Julian might not be sure what he was referring to. 

"What did you want me to say?" 

Noel felt annoyance flare. "I don't know, something. Anything, any indication that I wasn't bloody imagining the whole thing!" He gestured between them. "You could have asked me on a fucking date or asked me to marry you or told me to stop. But you didn't. You never bloody talk and so we don't move passed it. I can't move passed it and we're stuck. We paused our relationship that night and I don't think we've ever moved on. And frankly, Barratt, I'm sick of it." He was out of breath when he was finished and shocked that was what he had wanted to say, that it was what he thought. But it was, he had never been more sure of anything. 

He didn't know what he expected to happen after he finished. But it wasn't Julian taking a deep breath, looking him dead in the eye and saying, "Okay... Noel, I love you. Would you like to spend the rest of your life with me? You know, as gay boyfriends?" 

Noel actually felt his face drain of colour. He stomach roiled and his hands clenched the table reflexively. "What the hell," he spluttered. "Where the fuck did that come from?"

Julian shrugged. "Just something I've been thinking about." 

"Thinking about?" Noel's heart was racing. It was like he'd woken up on a new planet. "For how long?" 

"I guess, just the last few... years." Julian's voice remained calm and sure. This wasn't a joke, not something they could laugh off and pretend didn't happen. 

Noel scrabbled around to grasp some words. "Years?" 

"I mean," Julian gestured as he spoke. "I guess since we met, pretty much. Since, you know, that first time." 

"You've been thinking about this for years and you haven't said anything?" 

"I was just... you know... waiting."

Noel snorted. "Waiting for what?"

Julian huffed a breath. Not quite a laugh or a sigh. But somewhere between. "You to be ready."

Noel felt oddly affronted by that accusation. "Waiting for me? How'd you work that one out? I'm not the awkward Northerner here. You could have said something at any time."

Julian shrugged, bringing his hand up to fiddle with the cuff of his jacket. "You're the one who always leaves, Noel. Not me. I just... wanted you to be ready."

He opened his mouth to disagree. To berate Julian for being ridiculous. But he couldn't do it, so he closed his mouth. 

Julian seemed to take this as a sign to continue. "You were always gonna be a rock star. You weren't ready for..." he gestured between them. "Anything like that. If I'd have asked you to stay..."  
He paused, looking momentarily stricken. "You'd have tried to, I know you would have. But you'd have hated it. Ended up hating me. So, I waited... until you were ready to talk about it." 

It was the most stupid thing Noel had ever heard. He was half way to forming the words to say as much when he saw himself leaving the bed night after night. Leaving clubs with girls. Leaving hotels in search of a party. Of Julian watching him leave. Not sad. Not judging. Just... just waiting. 

"Bloody hell." Noel slumped back in his seat. "Bloody hell. Fuck me. That must have been shit. What if I was never ready?" 

There was a pause where Julian seemed to consider sitting down next to him but decided against it. He shrugged. "Then I'd have whatever bit of you you wanted to give me." 

It was such a simple and obviously stupid thing to say that Noel was left speechless. He found himself staring at Julian helpless to form words, struggling to take in the magnitude of what was being related to him.

"Look," Julian said, voice tight, "you don't have to say anything. It's not... you know, it's fine. But, since you wanted to talk about, I just thought I'd say." 

Noel nodded. "What if I want to say something?" 

Julian slowly met Noel's eyes and for the first time Noel saw he was afraid. He was trying to not show it, but the slight hunch of his shoulders and slant of his lips gave him away. He was ready to close off, if he needed to. Ready to smile and make some joke to let them both move on from the conversation. But he found he didn't want him to. It had been years in the making and Noel wasn't ready to let this go. 

Besides now they were beyond the point of discussing it, whole universes of possibilities were unfolding before him. Him and Julian. Exactly like they were now but with all the extra bits that had been silent and unspoken. Plus, presumably much more sex. They could do it whenever they wanted if they stopped having to be subtle about it. They could be obnoxious about it. 

And Julian would be his. Just his and he wouldn't have to share him. Saturdays and Monday mornings together. When Noel was ill he wouldn't need to call Julian to make him come over: he'd already be there. 

Obviously there were other considerations, like if they made this thing official there would be no going back. It was make or break. Do or die. Noel would never be the same and neither would Julian. Noel wouldn't hide any more, and that meant everyone would know. Friends, family, fans.. the media. There'd be a shit storm. One they would have to weather together. If they could weather it. He hoped they could. 

He wondered what would happen with the Boosh. Maybe Howard and Vince would need to come out too. How would that look? Maybe they could do it at a party. Or wait until the very final episode. That might have some nice imagery. Bollo should probably be the one to set them up. 

He suddenly realised he'd been quiet for a very long time. Time to speak. Time to make a decision. 

He drew a deep breath and looked Julian firmly in the eye. 

"Okay," he said, his voice sure and certain to his own ears. 

Julian looked a little taken aback and then slightly suspicious. "Okay what?"

"Okay, let's do that: what you said," Noel said, gesturing between them. "The gay boyfriends thing. I think I'd like that." 

A very small, cautious smile was creeping across Julian's face. "Yeah?" he said slowly. 

"Yeah," Noel agreed, his own smile forming. 

"Right," Julian nodded. "Cool, good." There was a long pause where they just grinned at each other. 

Then Julian strode around the table. "Okay, I'm going to kiss you now." 

"Thank fuck for that," Noel said, leaping up from his seat and almost knocking the chair over. 

Then Julian was there, pulling him in and placing a very firm kiss to his lips. Noel let out a little sigh and relaxed into it. What the kiss lacked in surprise it made up for in feeling. Julian's hands wound their way up into his hair as he pulled him ever closer. 

Noel felt like his whole world was spinning on its axis. His life had completely changed in the matter of two hours. It was unbelievable. Crazy. Too sudden. The best thing that had ever happened to him. Hands down. He grinned into the kiss. 

"So, now we're like, talking about this," Noel said, still pressed as close as he could get to Julian. 

"Yes?" Julian lent back and raised an eyebrow. 

"Does that mean we can tell Dave and Mike?" 

Julian smiled indulgently. "Yes, we can tell whoever you like." 

"Like Ben Whilshaw?" Noel raised an eyebrow.

Julian chuckled. "Yes, absolutely. We should probably tell him first; he's just at home. I'll call him and tell him to get dressed." 

Noel shoved him, aiming for playful but probably coming off about as jealous as Julian's words made him feel. "Ha ha. None of that, Barratt; I reckon I've had enough of sharing you for a lifetime. You're just going to be mine now, okay?"

Julian looked impossibly fond as he gazed down at him. "Yeah, okay. I think I can manage that." 

THE END


End file.
